When we are so focused on the destination, we put so much pressure on ourselves and forget to enjoy the journey.
More often than not, we forget that we are on a journey through life and give in to the societal pressures around us that are telling us (falsely) where we should be by now. It could relate to our careers, families, location, weight, or whatever else our minds have fixated on as the ultimate goal.
When we have not arrived at these goals in the predetermined time, it knocks us. This, in turn, leads to anxiety, stress, depression, frustration, desperation, hopelessness, and so many other emotions in us.
This is what the arrival fallacy is all about—thinking that you SHOULD be somewhere that you have yet to arrive at.
Craig Westhoff, a spiritual director and coach, knows all about the strain of “should-ing on yourself.” He counters this default setting of our minds with the question, “What if where you are in this very moment in your life’s journey is where you should be?”
Each moment we arrive at is a moment that we are living through and experiencing for the first time. When we fully realise this, we can understand that we are in a constant state of growth.
As Craig reminds us, “We are only ever learning, practicing, and becoming.” Unfortunately, we will never be perfect, but what is essential is that we are continually growing.
So, now, how do we go about overcoming the arrival fallacy in our lives?
Value the Process—Understanding that you are on a journey gives you the freedom to value the process and find moments of joy. The arrival fallacy robs us of our joy of the journey, so it is time to regain it by recognizing that every moment is a growth opportunity.
Celebrate the small wins—Just because you haven’t gotten over the finish line doesn’t mean that there haven’t been small victories along the way. A new skill, learning from a challenge, or even a new way that you have found to regulate yourself and grow emotionally is a win to be celebrated!
Align your goals with your values—When you align your goals with what you truly value in life, approaching these goals will be moments when you exercise your values. This helps you live authentically and grow in your own identity.
Live intentionally in the present—Being present in individual moments helps us get out of our minds and ground ourselves. This act of grounding helps to regulate our emotions and alleviates all the anxiety that the “shoulds” can cause us.
Practice self-compassion – This might be last, but it is the most important. Go easy on yourself. Understand that you are new to this very moment and doing your best. Breathe. Relax. Let go. You are doing the best you know how to in this moment right now.
So next time you ask yourself, “Am I nearly there yet?” take a moment to pause. Remember that you are only ever learning, practicing, and becoming. Then be kind to yourself because you are exactly where you should be at this point in your journey, and you’re doing just fine!
Words: Matthew Jordaan
Photo: Pexels
